Mourning In America: What To Wear In The 19th Century

Young girl holding a portrait of a soldier

I’m super excited that my writer bestie, Tina Whittle, is visiting my humble little blog! Although Tina writes fabulous (like critically acclaimed and starred reviews kind of fabulous) contemporary mysteries, she relies on research from the past to enrich her stories. Tina and I have talked about our contrasting research styles over the years. She adores research and is quite happy spending hours drifting down the rabbit hole of a particular subject. Despite having a blog about history, I am not so fond of research. I approach my blog more like a crow collecting a shiny object. Look what I found!

So, you will see her research style in full bloom here as she meticulously covers nineteenth-century mourning fashion in America.

And if clever, character-driven mysteries with sparkling dialogue are your cup of tea/shot of whiskey/happy gummy, then read her fantastic Tai Randolph & Trey Seaver series! Here is a fabulous review by the noted mystery reviewer Dru Ann Love of the latest Tai & Trey book Crooked Ways.

Woman holding a portrait
https://www.loc.gov/pictures/item/2010650472/

The Victorian era—which spans the reign of Queen Victoria, a period beginning in 1837 and concluding with the queen’s death in 1901—saw not only significant discoveries in science and technology, but also tumultuous cultural changes, especially in the attitudes and practices concerning death.

No greater example exists than the queen herself. Upon the death of her husband Prince Albert in 1861, Queen Victoria went into deep mourning. She stayed in seclusion for many years, rarely appearing in public, and wore widow’s black for the remaining forty years of her life. This concept of personalized mourning—and the associated cultural norms that shaped and were shaped by it—became a signature aspect of the era, especially in the United Kingdom.

Victorian-styled mourning was not limited to Great Britain, however—its influence spanned the globe and found a unique expression in the United States. 1861 was also a significant date in American history, as April of that year saw the official beginning of the American Civil War, a four-year period that ended with approximately 620,000 military deaths—two-thirds by disease—and 50,000 civilian deaths (Livermore et al).

No family was untouched. No community went unscathed. Death was not just a frequent visitor, but an ever-present one. Nineteenth-century openness about grief and mourning—supported by codes of conduct and dress, especially for women—may seem odd in contemporary times. Yet these customs provided structure when many social and political institutions were either crumbling or being reconstructed. As limiting as some of the prescribed rules were, they also provided a socially acceptable opportunity to mourn, to grieve, and to be fully present with devastating personal loss.

It is important to note that some of the most informative preserved historical artifacts of that time are ephemera: items like funeral cards and private notes which were not originally designed to be retained or preserved. It is also important to remember that for the most part, these artifacts document the mourning practices of white persons of social and material privilege; how communities of color adapted, adopted, and transformed white mourning culture—and preserved their own traditional practices while doing so—has been less well documented.

When those of us walking about in the twenty-first century think about Victorian mourning, the first thing that typically comes to mind is the color black, with good reason: it was the color that dominated funeral fashion, especially for women. Black wasn’t limited to mourning wear—and mourning wear wasn’t limited to black—but it did provide a key through-line for all mourning practices, including dress, jewelry, stationery, photography, and home décor.

The manner in which the color black was used depended on many factors, but one of the most important was time and the grieving person’s relationship to the departed. Nineteen-century mourning was a process with defined stages, though those stages varied depending on locale, social station, and current etiquette, which changed dramatically through the century.

In her book Manners and Social Usages, Mrs. John M. E. W. Sherwood explains that wearing black serves both a symbolic and practical purpose: “Custom . . . has decreed that we shall wear black, as a mark of respect to those we have lost, and as a shroud for ourselves, protesting against the gentle ministration of light and cheerfulness with which our Lord ever strives to reach us. . . . A mourning dress does protect a woman while in deepest grief against the untimely gayety of a passing stranger. It is a wall, a cell of refuge. Behind a black veil she can hide herself as she goes out for business or recreation, fearless of any intrusion.”

Woman looking at portrait of infant
Mark A. Anderson Collection of Post-Mortem Photography
William L. Clements Library. The University of Michigan, Ann Arbor
Mourning Fashion – UM Clements Library

The William L. Clements Library at the University of Michigan explored the ritual of mourning dress in their exhibit “So Once Were We”: Death in Early America: “Women would move from periods of “deep” to “ordinary” to “light” mourning. Each stage had its own accepted fashions. Deep mourning took place immediately after the death. Women would wear black dresses and bonnets without decorative trims. Black veils, crepe on their dresses, gloves, shoes, and accessories were also black. During ordinary mourning, women could abandon the veil and crepe, introduce ornate jewelry and add white trim to dresses. Lilac, purple, and gray were permissible when a woman entered light mourning. Men were not expected to adhere to rigid mourning rules. Following the burial, they were expected to return to work in order to support the family. Men could wear a long crepe band on his hat called a “weeper.” The width of the weeper around his hat represented his relationship with the deceased. Other optional men’s fashions included black armbands or a black ribbon on the lapel.

The time-frames for stages of mourning and the lengths of those stages varied by community and family. The following suggests typical mourning periods:

A widow for a husband: A year and a day, to life

A widower for a wife: 3-6 months

Parent for a child: 6-12 months

Child for a parent: 6-12 months

For a grandparent: 6 months

For an aunt or uncle: 3 months”

In the last two decades of the nineteenth-century, author A.B. Philputt differentiated between the wearing of mourning garments as an expression of grief and as an expression of fashion, explaining that while the former has no strict timetable, the latter certainly does. From her guidebook American Etiquette and Rules of Politeness: “In the United States no prescribed periods for wearing mourning garments have been fixed upon. When grief is profound no rules are needed. But where persons wear mourning for style and not for feeling, there is a need of fixed rules.”

Philputt lays out one rule of thumb based on relation to the deceased:

    2 years of mourning for a deceased husband

    1 year of mourning for deceased parents

    1 year of mourning for deceased children

    6 months of mourning for deceased grandparents

    6 months of mourning for deceased friends when the mourner received an inheritance

    6 months of mourning for deceased siblings

    3 months of mourning for deceased aunts and uncles

Regional differences were also noted. Godey’s Magazine— alternatively known as Godey’s Magazine and Lady’s Book—noted these in 1857:

“We have at length found space to redeem the promise made, some time since, to give more extended details of the present styles adopted in mourning. As our readers very well know, there is “deep mourning” and “second mourning.” The latter is adopted for a distant relative, or by those who have previously worn close black. A widow, of course, wears the first style; but many wear almost the same for the loss of a parent, brother, sister, or child. A widow’s mourning, though, strange to say, is the only close black relieved by any white for the past year or two, Fashion graciously permits her a close white cap about the face, “a widow’s cap,” as it is called, of plain lawn or muslin as a double border, formed by two extremely narrow puffs of the same, slightly rounded by passing a rod through when newly made or “done up.” This is not generally adopted, as yet, in our own country, though many wear them; but bonnet-caps in the same style are as universal for widows as a double crape veil.

All others in first mourning are indeed in deep black the present season. Collars, sleeves, bonnet-caps, and strings were of tarleton or French muslin, a short time since. Crape and black thulle have done away with these materials. Black crape collars are worn by all, lightened with thulle insertions and frills, if the taste inclines to display, rather than simple severity. Bows of the same, or ruches of black thulle and blonde, form also the bonnet-cap; the strings are of double crape, or black ribbon, as may be. Bonnet composed entirely of crape, or bombazine, according to choice. The last are generally relieved by folds of English crape, though sometimes even this is not done.

In Philadelphia, severity and neatness carry the day; in New York, many do not scruple to mingle jets and bugles, crape flowers and feathers, even in what they call deep mourning. For ourselves, we think the present taste is to lighten a garb, grave, at best, by color rather than ornament. Philadelphians are inclined to carry mourning to extremes, however, much more than any of their Atlantic neighbors; they keep their shutters bowed and their veils down much longer than the New Yorker or the Bostonian. In New York, it is too gay; in Boston, fashion is by no means so arbitrary as elsewhere. People are inclined to have minds of their own, and follow feeling and convenience rather than form. If good taste is sometimes sacrificed in this way, we must put up with it.

Black cloth cloaks, with a double row of stitching, separated by a space of half an inch, are the neatest outer-garments we have seen in this department, and were brought out, we believe, by Jackson, whose mourning store is to be found in Broadway near the Metropolitan.

In Philadelphia, Madame Besson and her successors have an old and just reputation for the quality and color of their materials. Nearly all large dry-goods men have now a mourning department. Cloth cloaks, more or less trimmed—and Brodie has furnished some of the plainest and most tasteful, with all his taste for richness and ornament displayed in colors—mantles of bombazine, or any of the materials now taking its place, trimmed with crape, and long shawls of Thibet cloth, are the general wear. The last have fringe, or a ribbon binding, as best suits the fancy. A sack, or worsted Sontag (half handkerchief, knit on bone or wooden needles), will be found very comfortable beneath them, as they are scarcely warm enough in this northern climate for February and indeed March.

The principal dress fabrics are bombazine, Tanese cloth, alpaca with bombazine finish, Canton cloth, etc. etc., differing in finish and price; plain merino, cashmere, and mousseline are also used for the house or street. For morning-dresses, there are a variety of plaids, neatly printed mousselines, chintzes, and ginghams. For travelling, serges, mohair, and many other mixed and serviceable materials. For morning or travelling-dresses, where crape would soon spot or rust, plain Mantua ribbon, of one broad or several narrow widths, is much used; also a variety of galloons and braid manufactured expressly for this department.

Undersleeves are of crape, tissue, or grenadine, in plain puffs, gathered into a close band at the wrist, or heavily trimmed with black braid, narrow crape folds, etc., when a less severe taste is exercised. Large puffs and falls of black thulle are also worn in deep mourning by those who care more for the graceful and becoming than rigid simplicity.

As a principle of good taste, ornaments used in mourning should be few and plain. Jet seems the most appropriate; and this has excellent imitations, scarcely to be detected. We have brooches and bracelets of jet set in gold, in gold and black enamel, or cast in plain knots, leaves, or bands. The oval brooch for hair is frequently the only ornament worn. This is usually surrounded by a rim of small jets, and many have an outer rim of pearls. Plainer brooches of gold and black enamel are still much in vogue.

Handkerchiefs of the sheerest cambric have either a broad plain hem or a black border printed. Of the last, there are a great variety to select from. An embroidered pocket-handkerchief would be as much out of taste as a Valenciennes collar.”

Etiquette maven Florence Hartley agreed with the idea that the progression of mourning wear did not conform to one set of rules. In her book The Ladies’ Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness. A Complete Hand Book for the Use of the Lady in Polite Society, she wrote, “There is such a variety of opinion upon the subject of mourning that it is extremely difficult to lay down any general rules upon the subject. Some wear very close black for a long period for a distant relative whilst others will wear dressy mourning for a short time in a case of death in the immediate family. There is no rule either for the depth of mourning or the time when it may be laid aside and I must confine my remarks to the different degrees of mourning.”

On second mourning, she wrote, “Here a straw bonnet, trimmed with black ribbon or crape flowers, or a silk bonnet with black flowers on the outside, and white ones in the face, a black silk dress, and gray shawl or cloak, may be worn. Lead color, purple, lavender, and white, are all admissible in second mourning, and the dress may be lightened gradually, a white bonnet, shawl, and light purple or lavender dress, being the dress usually worn last, before the mourning is thrown aside entirely, and colors resumed. It is especially to be recommended to buy always the best materials when making up mourning.”

Crape and woolen goods of the finest quality are very expensive, but a cheaper article will wear miserably; there is no greater error in economy than purchasing cheap mourning, for no goods are so inferior, or wear out and grow rusty so soon.”

The social pressure equating depth of grief with the outward display of it forced many a bereaved woman to purchasing clothing she could ill afford. Godey’s Magazine elaborates on this dilemma: “We quarrel with the fashion, but not the custom of mourning: though even this has, until of late, been too arbitrary, forcing those, whose means would not allow the additional expense, into making it at a time when money could least be spared. The poorest, and those who are more to be pitied than the absolute poor, those who try to conceal straitened means, and keep up an appearance of comfort, were thus forced into expenditures that required the pinching and saving of months, and sometimes years, if met at all.

We quarrel with the fashion, which judges of grief by the depth of a fold, that brings remark or censure upon a widow as to whether she wears her veil up or down—and, indeed, for delicate eyes or lungs, a widow’s veil is certain injury if kept over the face; that is agonized by a white collar when black crepe is the style; that modifies shades according to weeks or months, instead of softened feeling; that puts on black for a third cousin, because becoming, and lays it aside at Newport for a fancy ball; or counterfeits it by a mockery of white tarleton, with violet streamers, and marabou feathers tipped with the same shade; or goes glistening in bugles and jet to the gayest entertainments.”

In fine, neatness and simplicity, which we have so often urged on our readers as the first principles of good taste, are the best guides in selecting mourning, and “the best is most assuredly the cheapest.”

mourning attire
Brooklyn Museum Costume Collection at The Metropolitan Museum of Art, Gift of the Brooklyn Museum, 2009; Gift of Martha Woodward Weber

The societal pressure to mourn in an appropriately outfitted manner was keenly felt by women of modest means, especially those put into such circumstances by the loss of a breadwinner husband. One such woman, Julia Sherman of New Hampshire, wrote a letter to her sister showing the struggle that women of modest means would go through to adhere to social standards for mourning. Following the death of her husband, Sherman’s mother-in-law would not let her borrow the appropriate black clothes. As a result, Sherman borrowed a blue-black shawl and purchased cheaper clothing to dye (thibet cloth, in this case, which according to Frank P. Bennett & Company’s Woolen and Worsted Fabrics Glossary was a fabric that at lower prices was made from wool, cotton, and shoddy—a fabric recycled from shredded rags and leftover fabric clippings—and which had a “raw and thready appearance” and a “strong affinity for all the dust and lint in one’s vicinity”):

“I had clothes which E gave me when he sold out which I have exchanged in the store for mourning goods and have been able thus far to pay for every thing I have had nor has an article been offered me although I have borrowed a shawl in the store to wear a few times until I could get one colored although mother has one like it she has not ever offered to lend it to me even on the day I most needed it and had to wear a blue black one which was borrowed for me. She wore her jet black one which father gave her this summer and like which they have them in the store they are small thibet and 3.50 which I thot I could not afford to get and have sent the [ ] with my de laine to both be colored – I merely mention this to show you the difference that could be if our dear dear mother was living.”

mourning cap

Mourning fashion, like all fashion, was not a static thing. While the color black maintained its dominance, other aspects went through changes based on economics, cultural shifts, and the availability of certain fabrics and accessories (especially crape, the most traditional and most dependably appropriate of the various suitable fabrics). Hemlines and collars changed with the times, as did cuffs and caps, gloves and bonnets.

Location also played a role in what was considered proper mourning attire. Sherwood in particular noted the differences between American mourning fashion and European fashion, especially English:

“The English, from whom we borrow our fashion in funeral matters, have a limitation provided by social law which is a useful thing. They now decree that crape shall only be worn six months, even for the nearest relative, and that the duration of mourning shall not exceed a year. A wife’s mourning for her husband is the most conventionally deep mourning allowed, and every one who has seen an English widow will agree that she makes a “hearse” of herself. Bombazine and crape, a widow’s cap; and a long; thick veil–such is the modern English idea. Some widows even have the cap made of black crape lisse, but it is generally of white. In this country a widow’s first mourning dresses are covered almost entirely with crape, a most costly and disagreeable material, easily ruined by the dampness and dust—a sort of penitential and self-mortifying dress, and very ugly and very expensive. There are now, however, other and more agreeable fabrics which also bear the dead black, lustreless look which is alone considered respectful to the dead, and which are not so costly as crape, or so disagreeable to wear. The Henrietta cloth and imperial serges are chosen for heavy winter dresses, while for those of less weight are tamise cloth, Bayonnaise, grenadine, nuns’ veiling, and the American silk.

Our mourning usages are not overloaded with what may be called the pomp, pride, and circumstance of woe which characterize English funerals. Indeed, so overdone are mourning ceremonies in England—what with the hired mutes, the nodding plumes, the costly coffin, and the gifts of gloves and bands and rings, etc. —that Lady Georgiana Milnor, of Nunappleton, in York, a great friend of the Archbishop, wrote a book against the abuse, ordered her own body to be buried in a pine coffin, and forbade her servants and relatives to wear mourning. Her wishes were carried out to the letter. A black, cloth-covered casket with silver mountings is considered in the best taste, and the pall-bearers are given at most a white scarf and a pair of black gloves. Even this is not always done. At one time the traffic in these returned bands and gloves was quite a fortune to the undertaker. Mourning is very expensive, and often costs a family more than they can well afford; but it is a sacrifice that even the poorest gladly make, and those who can least afford it often wear the best mourning, so tyrannical is custom. They consider it . . . an act of disrespect to the memory of the dead if the living are not clad in gloomy black.

However, our business is with the etiquette of mourning. Widows wear deep mourning, consisting of woollen stuffs and crape, for about two years, and sometimes for life, in America. Children wear the same for parents for one year, and then lighten it with black silk, trimmed with crape. Half-mourning gradations of gray, purple, or lilac have been abandoned, and, instead, combinations of black and white are used. Complimentary mourning is black silk without crape. The French have three grades of mourning–deep, ordinary, and half mourning. In deep mourning, woollen cloths only are worn; in ordinary mourning, silk and woollen; in half mourning, gray and violet. An American lady is always shocked at the gayety and cheerfulness of French mourning. In France, etiquette prescribes mourning for a husband for one year and six weeks–that is, six months of deep mourning, six of ordinary, and six weeks of half mourning. For a wife, a father, or a mother, six months–three deep and three half mourning; for a grandparent, two months and a half of slight mourning; for a brother or a sister, two months, one of which is in deep mourning; for an uncle or an aunt, three weeks of ordinary black. In America, with no fixity of rule, ladies have been known to go into deepest mourning for their own relatives or those of their husbands, or for people, perhaps, whom they have never seen, and have remained as gloomy monuments of bereavement for seven or ten years, constantly in black; then, on losing a child or a relative dearly loved, they have no extremity of dress left to express the real grief which fills their lives–no deeper black to go into. This complimentary mourning should be, as in the French custom, limited to two or three weeks. The health of a delicate child has been known to be seriously affected by the constant spectacle of his mother in deep mourning.

The period of a mourner’s retirement from the world has been very much shortened of late. For one year no formal visiting is undertaken, nor is there any gayety in the house. Black is often worn for a husband or wife two years, for parents one year, and for brothers and sisters one year; a heavy black is lightened after that period. Ladies are beginning to wear a small black gauze veil over the face, and are in the habit of throwing the heavy crape veil back over the hat. It is also proper to wear a quiet black dress when going to a funeral, although this is not absolutely necessary.”

“For lighter mourning jet is used on silk, and there is no doubt that it makes a very handsome dress. It is a singular fact that there is a certain comfort to some people in wearing very handsome black. Worth, on being asked to dress an American widow whom he had never seen, sent for her photograph, for he said that he wished to see “whether she was the sort of woman who would relish a becoming black.”

Very elegant dresses are made with jet embroidery on crape–the beautiful soft French crape–but lace is never “mourning.” Even the French, who have very light ideas on the subject, do not trim the most ornamental dresses with lace during the period of even second mourning, except when they put the woolen yak lace on a cloth cloak or mantilla. During a very dressy half mourning, however, black lace may be worn on white silk; but this is questionable. Diamond ornaments set in black enamel are allowed even in the deepest mourning, and also pearls set in black. The initials of the deceased, in black brilliants or pearls, are now set in lockets and sleeve-buttons, or pins. Gold ornaments are never worn in mourning.

White silk, embroidered with black jet, is used in the second stage of court mourning, with black gloves. Deep red is deemed in England a proper alternative for mourning black, if the wearer be called upon to go to a wedding during the period of the first year’s mourning. At St. George’s, Hanover Square, therefore, one may often see a widow assisting at the wedding of a daughter or a son, and dressed in a superb red brocade or velvet, which, directly the wedding is over, she will discard for her solemn black.

The question of black gloves is one which troubles all who are obliged to wear mourning through the heat of summer. The black kid glove is painfully warm and smutty, disfiguring the hand and soiling the handkerchief and face. The Swedish kid glove is now much more in vogue, and the silk glove is made with such neatness and with such a number of buttons that it is equally stylish, and much cooler and more agreeable.”

That most iconic item of mourning dress—the widow’s veil—remained a classic representation of deep mourning for decades, even if it was, as noted in Godey’s, known to cause “certain injury” if kept too long over the face due to the poisonous chemicals used to make and set the dyes that created the deep matte black color considered most desirable.

Sherwood noted the same: “The black veil . . . is most unhealthy: it harms the eyes and it injures the skin. As it rubs against the nose and forehead it is almost certain to cause abrasions, and often makes an annoying sore. To the eyes enfeebled by weeping it is sure to be dangerous, and most oculists now forbid it.”

Despite their dangers, respectable women of this period were expected to wear these veils—often referred to as “weeping veils”—over their faces as a ritual of deep mourning, though this requirement was lifted during the second (or half) mourning, and during ordinary mourning (and became less popular during the latter decades of the nineteenth-century). Some women chose to continue wearing the veil, while others moved into the next stage of mourning.

mourning clothes
Mark A. Anderson Collection of Post-Mortem Photography
William L. Clements Library. The University of Michigan, Ann Arbor
Mourning Fashion – UM Clements Library

From Godey’s:

“A widow’s veil, then, is of double crape; and, no matter what the state of the atmosphere may be, woe to her if Mrs. Grundy should see her raise it before the proscribed twelve months have passed. She may breathe comfortably after that, if she chooses, or go on blinding and stifling herself three or five years, if she chooses. Others in deep mourning wear a single thickness and width, about a yard, ordinarily, and two yards long. The most graceful fashion is worn from one to two fingers in depth on each end; the veil is then thrown over the bonnet midway, as to length and breadth, and secured, by a black veil pin, in the bonnet on each side. Others adhere to a string of black ribbon run through the top hem, or a cap string.”

Despite the many rules and strictures and societal rigidities associated with the rituals of mourning wear—and the condemnation one might expect for flouting such—tastemakers of the time also decried the ostentatiousness of mourning.

Sherwood noted the following anecdote: “A gay young widow at Washington was once seen dancing at a reception, a few months after the death of her soldier husband, with a long black veil on, and holding in her black-gloved hand [a] handkerchief, which looked as if it had been dipped in ink. “She should have dipped it in blood,” said a by-stander. Under such circumstances we learn how much significance is to be attached to the grief expressed by a mourning veil.”

Sherwood continues: “[F]or the mockery, the conventional absurdities, and the affectations which so readily lend themselves to caricature in the name of mourning, no condemnation can be too strong. There is a ghoul-like ghastliness in talking about “ornamental,” or “becoming,” or “complimentary” mourning. People of sense, of course, manage to dress without going to extremities in either direction. We see many a pale-faced mourner whose quiet mourning-dress tells the story of bereavement without giving us the painful feeling that crape is too thick, or bombazine too heavy, for comfort. Exaggeration is to be deprecated in mourning as in everything.

The discarding of mourning should be effected by gradations. It shocks persons of good taste to see a light-hearted young widow jump into colors, as if she had been counting the hours. If black is to be dispensed with, let its retirement be slowly and gracefully marked by quiet costumes, as the feeling of grief, yielding to the kindly influence of time, is shaded off into resignation and cheerfulness. We do not forget our dead, but we mourn for them with a feeling which no longer partakes of anguish.

Of course, no one can say that a woman should not wear mourning all her life if she choose, but it is a serious question whether in so doing she does not injure the welfare and happiness of the living. Children, as we have said, are often strangely affected by this shrouding of their mothers, and men always dislike it.

Common-sense and common decency, however, should restrain the frivolous from engaging much in the amusements and gayeties of life before six months have passed after the death of any near friend. If they pretend to wear black at all, they cannot be too scrupulous in respecting the restraint which it imposes.”

Though we in contemporary times may look at these practices as outdated and unnecessarily restrictive—a sentiment no doubt shared by many female mourners during the Victorian era—understanding the role that fashion played in recognizing and honoring grief can help us do the same today. Even if we don’t have prescribed mourning schedules or a matte black wardrobe, we can find the symbols that help us process loss both culturally and personally, that usher us through the transitions we will all face with more intentionality and presence.

mourning woman
Tina Whittle

Tina Whittle is a mystery writer living and working in the Georgia Lowcountry. Her Tai Randolph & Trey Seaver series—featuring intrepid not-quite-professional sleuth Tai and her ex-SWAT partner Trey—has garnered starred reviews in Kirkus, Publisher’s Weekly, Booklist, and Library Journal.

A two-time nominee for Georgia Author of the Year and a Derringer finalist, Tina enjoys birdwatching, eating sushi, and reading tarot cards—she does not enjoy running, but does it anyway. You can find her online at https://www.tinawhittle.com.

Crooked Ways

Tai Randolph doesn’t like tailing adulterers. Or photographing cracked sidewalks. Or staking out insurance scammers.

But being an apprentice PI means doing what she’s told, filling out paperwork, and following the rules, all the rules. It’s a bit chafing for someone whose amateur sleuthing playbook included dodging, lying, and occasional light blackmail.

But then her past comes knocking. Literally.

After a decade in the wind, Tai’s Aunt Rowena reappears, and she’s convinced someone is trying to kill Beauregard Boone, the complicated ex-felon at the heart of Tai’s twisted family tree. It’s an intriguing case, even if it means returning to the coastal islands of Savannah, Georgia, a city that keeps breaking her heart over and over again.

Not that life in Atlanta is uncomplicated. Trey Seaver—her partner in both romance and crime solving—is keeping a secret. Her new job comes with a moral rectitude clause, so she has to be on her best behavior at all times. And unless she scrapes together some extra bucks, the electric bill is going to be paid late. Again.

But in Savannah, all she has to worry about is vehicular homicide, flying bullets, and an enemy who has been laying low for a long long time. Tai’s got a choice to make. Safety and security where the only danger is boredom? Or risk and reward where the consequences could be deadly?

Read the first chapter of Crooked Ways

Buy Crooked Ways

How To Behave Like A Regency Gentleman

Lately, I’ve been super busy moving to a neighboring state and battling the novella that didn’t want to end. My husband and I need new-to-us furniture for our home, so we’ve been haunting a local antique auction. There, I’ve discovered that I possess a surprising skill—I can roughly date prints. I unwittily acquired this skill from hours of looking for illustrations for this blog. How long have I been doing this blog? Too long! And it really doesn’t sell my books, which was kinda the point of starting the blog in the first place. So now it’s a labor of love born of my history geekdom. That said, this morning, I walked into an antique/junk shop, found a quality hand-painted engraving of St. James’s Palace from the 1820s, and quietly paid $15.00 for it. I’m so pleased that I’m going to post on my blog in celebration.

I’m excerpting from A System of Etiquette, published in 1804, and written by John Trusler. You may have read Trusler’s The London Adviser and Guide, which I have previously excerpted. He’s a great resource for specific information about the Regency period, except information pertaining to women. I’m still on the lookout for a Georgian/Regency “etiquette” book for ladies which isn’t just written lectures on virtuous character and proper morals.

This is a long post and covers many topics. You may want to skim over the sections to find the ones interesting to you. 

Note: Trusler’s footnoting is nuts and difficult to follow in the actual text. I’ve put his footnotes in italics in my post. The footnotes make reference to Trusler’s book The Honours of the Table, Or, Rules for Behaviour During Meals: With the Whole Art of Carving and  Trusler’s edition of Principles of Politeness.

The illustrations can be found in The Follies and Fashions of Our Grandfathers (1807) by Andrew White Tuer.

RESPECT TO SUPERIORS

If you meet an acquaintance of this character, either in your walks, or your rides, it is your place to make the first salute; and if going the same way, either to accompany him or not, as you find it most agreeable to him, and not to leave him at any time (unless engagements call you) whilst he seems disposed to hold converse with. you.  It is a proper mark of respect to give him the wall, if walking, and to break way for him; should he be on foot and you on horseback, there cannot be a stronger test of politeness, or greater mark of respect, than instantly alighting, giving your horse to your servant, it’ you have one, and accompanying him on foot, (this is, provided you are both going the same way); if you have no servant with you, lead your horse by the bridle, if he will lead, or make an- apology for your not alighting, if alone, and your horse be untractable, This polite attention is more particularly due to ladies, and a man is a blockhead, if he omits to pay it.

The general salute of persons passing one another in carriages, is merely letting down the side glass and bowing.

Should you, either riding or walking, pass a person much your superior in rank, it is your place to bow to him, not to stop or accost him; but should he stop or accost you, it is your place respectfully to attend to it.

If you ride in company with a superior, keep to the left of him, where the road will admit it; if not, drop behind and keep far enough back, if the lane be miry, not to splash him with your horse; if you pass through a gateway, permit him to pass first.

If riding with a lady, keep on that side of her on which her face will be turned to you; some ladies shift their saddles and ride, sometimes with their feet on the near side of the horse, sometimes on the off. Your situation when accompanying her should be accordingly.

In driving it may not be unuseful to know, that it is invariably the rule, where it can be done, to keep the left side of the road; by so doing, carriages never meet, so as to obstruct each other: according to the old doggrel verse—

The rule of the road is a paradox quite,
For, as you are trav’ling along,
If you keep to the left, you are sure to be right;
If ’you keep to the right, you’ll be wrong.

If in company with a superior, whether walking or riding, should you meet an acquaintance of lower degree, do not stop to speak to him, but salute him only as you pass.

*On paying a visit to a superior, if admitted, it is not respectful to enter his apartment, you can help it, in dirty shoes, or a great coat:  take off your surtout before you enter, and leave it, with your hat, cane and gloves, if your visit is to be of any length, in the anti-chamber ; but if it be merely a visit of respect, or on business that requires but a short stay, if you wear gloves, keep them on, and your hat and came in your hand.

If a servant be in the way, wait to be introduced, if not, knock at the chamber door gently, and when admitted, or desired to sit, seat yourself, but not in a great armed chair, unless the chairs are all so. If you meet the person you are to visit in the open air, don’t put on your hat, till he puts on his, or till he begs you take covered.  – Principles of Politeness

If a passer-by salute the gentleman you are with superior to yourself, with whom you are walking or riding, by taking off his hat and the bow is returned; if he be a stranger to you, it is not necessary that you should take off your hat, except it be to a lady; for as the salute was not intended to you, it would be rudeness to your friend to suppose it.

If a superior accompany you to his house, and make a sign for you to enter first, or to get into his carriage, bow and do it instantly; never dispute it with him, or hang back through respect; for here respect is, to submit to his decision: be assured he knows his rank, (it is what every man studies) and does not want to be reminded of; so, if he stand speaking to you with his hat in his hand, or rise from his seat to receive you, it would be ill-breeding to say, “ I beg my Lord, or I beg Sir, you will be covered—or keep your seat.” It might pass very well from him to you, but not from you to him.

* If he desire you to sit, sit; he offer you the upper hand, take it ; he urge you to approach, do it; to be too ceremonious is to be impertinent; if in the course of conversation, he rise to speak to you, you should rise also.

From a superior to an inferior, familiarity is not only tolerable, but obliging; but from an inferior to a superior, especially where there is no degree of intimacy, it is’ not only unbecoming, but insolent. – Principles of Politeness

If you be offered precedence by superiors, take it; it is uncivil to refuse it.

If in your visits to this superior, you find him engaged in conversation with another; after the first: salute, it will be unmannerly by addressing him, either to draw him from the conversation he is engaged in, or to attempt to take off his attention from the subject he is upon; you are either to wait till he speaks to you, or to address some other person, if present, not so engaged, and more upon an equality.

* Your manner, your tone of voice, language, conversation, all should be humble, modest and respectful. All familiarity in company with our superiors, unless admitted, ought to be avoided.

If a man of rank, a superior, make you a visit, and you know of his coming, ’tis a mark of respect to meet him at his coach-door, and having brought him into the best room of the house, reach him a chair, and when he begs you to sit, seat yourself by him, but in a chair without arms.

If he surprise you busy in your chamber, quit all employment whilst he stays, unless he enjoin you to the contrary. It is a duty indeed we owe to every visitant, whether superior or equal, to treat them with marked respect.

When a person of rank makes you a visit, it is not respectful to suffer him to wait long, unless you be engaged with persons of greater rank, in which case, ’tis right, if you can, to send a person of condition, to entertain him, till you came.

When your visitant leaves you, wait on him to his each: if it be a lady, offer her your hand, but with a glove on, and having helped her into her carriage, wait at the coach-door uncovered, till her carriage be gone.

If there be many persons with you and one of them go away, the rest staying behind, if he that goes, be of more rank than the rest, you should leave them, and wait on him out; if of less, you should let him go alone, only making an excuse; if their condition be equal, regulate your conduct by your intimacy.

If whilst you are speaking to a nobleman, another should enter the room, but of much inferior rank, you are not to drop your conversation with the first, or introduce this inferior by. name; but bowing only to the second comer, continue talking as before. Should the person you are talking to, break off and address the new corner, you may do the same; it is improper at any time to introduce an inferior to a superior, unless at the superior’s request.

In short, to point out all the particulars of your conduct, in order to be respectful, would be tedious to the last degree, it is best learned by imitation. A young man should take notice how well-bred people act, in company with their superiors, and endeavour, as far as possible, to follow their example—Principles of Politeness.

There is a decent familiarity necessary in the course of life; mere formal visits, upon formal invitations, are not the thing; they create no connexion, nor will they prove of service to you; it is the careless and easy ingress and egress, at all hours, that secure an acquaintance to our interest, and this is acquired by a respectful familiarity entered into, without forfeiting s your consequence—Principles of Politeness.

If a superior or a lady pay you a visit, on their departure, it is a mark of respect to accompany them out, waiting at the door till the carriage draws up, bowing as it goes. A lady you are to hand into her carriage with right hand, taking her by the left hand gently and modestly. If a prince deign to visit you, the etiquette is, on parting, going out before him calling his coach and accompanying him to it uncovered, and waiting at your door also uncovered, as the carriage drives off:  if it be night, to take a candle in each hand, light him down the stairs and wait within the door, in the hall, till the carriage has left it.

Ladies are to be respectfully handed, from one room to another, down the stairs, and to the coach step, be the distance ever so great between the stairs and the carriage.

If you receive a letter of introduction to any one residing in a place to which you are going, this letter should be delivered by you personally, as soon after you arrive as possible; to let any length of time slip between the date of the letter, and the time of’ delivering it, unless your excuse be an exceeding good one, is disrespectful; if it cannot be avoided, the best apology that can be made, should be made.

WITH RESPECT TO EQUALS

The above measures are not so immediately necessary; you may fall in, as you find it convenient, without this restraint, and act as your good sense and, good manners shall direct you: *

* When an expected guest comes to dine with you, if your equal, or indeed not greatly your inferior, he should be sure to find your family in order, and yourself dressed, and ready to receive him with a smiling countenance. This inspires an immediate cheerfulness into your guest, and persuades him of your esteem, and desire of his company; you are not to suffer him to knock a considerable time before he gains admittance, and then the door being opened by a maid, or some improper servant, who wonders where the devil all the men are, and being asked her master is at home, answers, “ She believes he is,” and conducts him into a hall, or back-parlour, where he stays some time before you, in dishabille, wait on him, from your study, or your garden, ask pardon, and assure your friend that you did not expect him so soon!—Fielding on Conversation.

When your guest offers to go, it be in the country, there should be no solicitation to stay, unless for the whole night, and that no farther than to give him a moral assurance of his being welcome so to do. No assertions that he shan’t go yet, no laying on violent hands, no private orders to mounts to delay preparing the horses or vehicle, and entitle your friend to an action for false imprisonment—Fielding on Conversation.

 

WITH RESPECT TO INFERIORS

You will, I dare say, feel yourself disposed to shew all that good nature, and condescension that will tend ‘ to make you beloved. If you at any time stoop to associate with such, your plan is to study to conduct yourself so, that and shall not feel their inferiority, On this head, I am persuaded that I need say no more. I have said a good deal respecting this in The Principles of Politeness, as I have with regard to polite attention both to women and men, in company or elsewhere.

Though Lord Chesterfield has been condemned for recommending simulation among men, there is .no getting on peaceably without it. Sincerity is a virtue not calculated for promiscuous company; it then becomes imprudence: the humour of acting always on one principle is like that of sailing with one wind, whereas the expert mariner steers his way by plying in all directions as occasions serve, and making the best of all weathers: a fair and seasonable accommodation of one’s self to the various exigences of the times, is the golden virtue that ought to predominate in a man of life and business, and there is no being Well with the world, as I have said, without it. All the rest is the cant of inexperienced wisdom.

CHOICE OF ACQUAINTANCE.

If a young gentleman herd with low bred men, and men of abandoned character, it is as natural to suppose that he will catch some low bred maxim, and customs, as that he would be infected with their contagious distemper, was he to visit them when sick.

The old adage, ” Tell me what company you keep, and I will tell you what you are,” is a just one, and it is verified by experience, that he who wishes to be the best man in the company he keeps, will soon become the worst of any company he comes into; for he that makes himself an ass, invites others to ride him; Seneca used to Say, that he never went among low or disorderly men, but he came home a worse man than when he went out. You may chance to meet with in life a person or two of this cast, even among the gentry; but it will be but one or two, for gentlemen in general, if they find a man so disposed, will, if already admitted among them, soon desert him; if not admitted, will be cautious how they receive him. Be assured, the best mode of being respected as a gentleman is, to associate with such and such only. So if a lady is seen often in company with women of suspicious character, she will be shunned herself.

* Depend upon it, in the estimation of mankind, you will sink or rise to the level of the company you keep.–Principles of Politeness.

Sensible of the necessity of this, a Derbyshire Baronet, who unexpectedly came into possession of the title and a fortune sufficient to support it, took the following step to obtain the respect of the neighbouring gentry. He was a man of no education, and lived by writing for attornies, and thus earned about a guinea a week; his wife was the daughter of a bricklayer, a decent woman, who, to add t ‘their income, took in linen to clear-starch. He was respected among his equals, and his usual rendezvous in an evening was an alehouse. On coming to this title and fortune, after he was settled in the family-mansion, he made an entertainment and invited all his old acquaintance with their wives; treated them hospitably and kindly, and after dinner addressed them in the following manner,

“Gentlemen, it has pleased Providence, to bless me with distinction and an ample fortune, to raise me from the obscure situation I have been long in, and place me in a more exalted one: though pride is no part of my composition, I know well what is due to that situation of life, I am now to move in and the class of people I shall be expected to associate with ; prudence will. oblige we therefore to drop all my old acquaintance; but, in dropping them, I shall never lose sight of their friendships to me, nor the happiness I have enjoyed in their society. I trust you all wish me so well as not to be displeased at this resolution; for were I to keep company with you, as I have hitherto done, I should not be received into that which my fortune entitles me to expect, and then I should disgrace my ancestry;–I never mean to do. I shall from this time always be happy to hear of your well-doing, and if at any time it should he in my power to be of any use to you, I shall cheerfully do it; but you must in good nature excuse my associating with you as before, and not think the worse of me for this that, if they could not increase it, they would never interrupt it.

This sensible conduct soon got wind among the gentlemen of the country: they approved it, and not long after, he made a second entertainment, invited them and their ladies; his house was filled, and his former situation was forgotten.

Whatever you do then, young man, select your friends from among the virtuous of your own class; he as kind as you please to those below you, but never suffer them to exclude you from the society of gentlemen.

This not being a moral treatise, I shall not enter into the necessity of not mixing or living with the abandoned, even of your own class. If you respect yourself, or wish to be respected, you will never be seen in company with those dissipated men of fashion, who spend their hours either at a tavern, a gaming-house, or a brothel.

* Be it then your ambition to get into the best company, and when there, emulate their virtues, but not their vices. You have no doubt, often heard of genteel and fashionable vices; these are, whoring, drinking, and gaming. It has happened, that some men, even with these vices, have been admired and esteemed ; understand this rightly; it is not their vices for which they are admired, but for some accomplishments they at the same time possess; for their parts, their learning, or their good-breeding: be assured, were, they free from these vices, they would be much more esteemed. In these mired characters, the bad part is overlooked, for the sake of the good—Principles of Politeness.

KEEPING ACQUAINTANCE

Should any gentleman take up his residence near you, and you wish to be acquainted with him. If you live in any stile nearly equal to him, you are to pay _him the first morning visit; If not, endeavour to get introduced or procure some person of equal rank with him to accompany you for that purpose; for to obtrude yourself upon him, by a first visit, would be  arrogant. But should you fix your own abode in a new neighbourhood, you are to wait to receive the first visit, before you pay one, and unless you be honoured with such a visit by any neighbour, you cannot expect his acquaintance, except by the introduction of some friend with whom he is acquainted.

If a superior condescend to pay you the first morning visit, as it will sometimes happen, from your residing in his neighbourhood, and wishing to be acquainted with you; return that visit as soon as possible ; within a day or two. This will be a proof of the honour you conceive done you: if it be an equal that pays you the first visit, you may return it at the first convenient opportunity, but never delay it longer than about a fortnight, lest it should be concluded as want of respect. If the first visit be to any neighbour, by you, and he should not be at home, never fail to leave a card, with your name on it, and place of abode; lest he should not be made acquainted with the visit you made him. If he receive your card, and does not return your visit, he means not to cultivate your acquaintance; if you have any doubt, whether your card were delivered, you may either pay him a second visit or not, as you think proper.

The first visit paid, and returned, they may be interchanged once in three or four weeks, or oftener, if you wish to be intimate; but intimacy seldom takes place, unless the parties meet still more frequent, either at their own houses, or at the house of some common friend; it is eating and drinking together, and uniting in parties, that creates intimacy and friendship; otherwise, a man may visit for years, and scarce personally know the person visited; such things have happened, for as leaving your name on a card at the door, is considered as a visit, this may go on reciprocally for a length of time, and if such visiters never meet at home, they do not personally know each other, when they chance to meet at any common friend’s house, or elsewhere; and of course such meeting would be very awkward.

On paying visits of ceremony, care should be taken not to make them too long, nor too frequent ; a quarter of an hour, or twenty minutes, is sufficient time to exchange compliments, or run over the topics of the day; but if the visiters become congenial to each a other, and intimacy succeed, time and length of visits, need not be pointed out, they will direct themselves.

Visits of ceremony in the country, are not expected if beyond the reach of a morning’s ride.

It is the fashion exalted life now among equals, never to be at home to a morning visiter; nor indeed to any visiter we are not in the habits of intimacy with; therefore to refuse admittance to a visiter, you are not disposed to receive, will not be considered as rude. At such times, your servant should be directed to say that you are not at home. This is in fact no lie, for the expression not at home, merely implies that you are not disposed to see company, and it is understood in this sense. Of course if you meet with the same reply when you go to pay a visit, you are not to be offended; unless you had been particularly invited, and you go at the appointed time. For so much do persons of fashion wish to be at their case, that such ceremonies are introduced, as put them perfectly so.

Indeed, if a superior pay you a visit, it will be a compliment paid him, to be seen, if you really are at home , let your dress be what it may; but with equals and inferiors you may act as you please.

CARDS OF INVITATION

Have been introduced, lest the carelessness or stupidity of servants, or their multiplicity of messages should lead them into mistakes, and occasion disappointments and errors—but they cannot be too short or Concise, provided they be explicit.

The following is a proper card of invitation to dinner, if to a superior; but this card should be enclosed in a cover, and sealed, and properly directed;

 

Or if in a letter

Answered.

Or in answer to the Card, No.1.

If the invitation be to an equal, the word favour may be substituted for honour, as in N0. 1.

If to an Inferior, the card should convey compliments, as in No. 4.

On receiving an invitation in writing, never omit to return an answer in writing, and that as soon as possible. Though compliments from a superior are passed in a card to you; I conceive it more respectful to omit that term in your reply (unless you use respects or best compliments, as implying something more humble) and word your answer thus:

If going from home for any length of time, a visit of ceremony is necessary, in order to take leave. If the party he not at home, leave a card with your name only, writing under it,–To take leave.

If an Earl’s title be his family-name, as‘ that of Stanhope, Spencer, &c. the address is to Earl Stanhope, Earl Spencer, &c. but if the title be taken from some town or place, as Oxford, Essex, &c. the address is Earl of Oxford, Earl of Essex, &c. ‘

So likewise with Marquises, as Marquis Townsend, Marquis Wellesley, &c. but Marquis of Exeter, Marquis of Tavistock, &c.

 

Never send letters to a Peer, or a Member of Parliament, by the two-penny post, in London, as they do not pass free by such conveyance; many persons of rank, have forbidden the receipt of such letters at their houses, that they may not be troubled with disagreeable applications. If in cities and towns, and within small distances; it is a proper mark of respect, to send such letters by a servant, or some private hand.

Esquire is an arbitrary title, flattering.to most men, and is generally made use of in directing to gentlemen who live on their means. Merchants, barristers, magistrates, aldermen, captains, and many others are entitled to the appellation of Esq. and men of large property, even if in trade.—See the Table of Precedency (page 92)

When addressing nobleman in conversation, if under the rank of a duke, we always say, My Lord, and Your Lordship, but this last only occasionally; if used too often, it is fulsome.

If’ we speak to a duke, we say, Lord Duke, and Your Grace; if to a prince, Sir, and Your Royal Highness.

Persons on an equality and intimate, will call them merely Prince or Duke.

If other noblemen be present, and you wish to address one in particular, under the rank of a duke, you address him thus, Lord Exeter, though a marquis; Lord Ligonier, though an earl; but if a duke, we say, if there be but one present, Duke, or My Lord Duke; if more than one, Duke of Richmond, Duke of Athol, and so on; but never abbreviate their titles, as calling one Lord Ex. or another Lord Lig. This would be rude, because too familiar, unless you be of superior or equal rank, and even then it would be ungenteel.

A King’s Nephew or Niece, has only the title of Highness not Royal Highness. As his Highness William Duke of Glocester—Her Highness the Princess Sophia of Glocester. The next male descendant of the Duke of Glocester, on the death of his father, would be only his Grace, not Highness.

To ladies of quality, we never say, My Lady; their servants so address them, but not their acquaintances; but yes, Madam, and no, Madam, using your Ladyship occasionally, as we do your Lordship, when speaking to a nobleman.

So, when we write to any Lord, under the rank of Duke, we begin with My Lord; if to a Duke, My Lord Duke; if to an Archbishop Bishop, My Lord;  if to a Clergyman, Rev. Sir; if to; woman of quality, Madam, even to a Duchess, and never use the expression Lordship, Ladyship, or Grace, but; once or twice in a letter, and that principally, where you may have occasion to allude to their rank, their power, or their influence, as for example:

  1. “My Lord,

I have taken the liberty to write to your Lordship, to say, that the horse you bought of T. B. is by no means a sound one. It is an imposition on your Lordship, and it if the man had served me so, I would return him, &c.“

But with a little study, letters to noblemen, may be so penned, as not to have occasion to introduce the words, you or yours in any part of it, of course Lordship need not be substituted for either. The above might have been worded thus:

  1. “My Lord,

Indulge me with the liberty of saying, that the horse which T. B. sold to your Lordship, is by no means sound, and had he so imposed upon me, I would have returned it, &c.”

If you be in intimate with a nobleman, or his lady, your letters may begin with My dear Lord, or, Dear Madam, and may end in a similar Way, as,

  1. I have the honour to be my Lord, or my dear Lord, Madam, or my dear Madamyour Lordship’s, or your Ladyship’s most respectful servant,–or I remain with all due respect, your Lordship’s— as it may be.

Such are the usual forms, but they may be varied at the writer’s discretion: all that is necessary is, that when writing to superiors, we should express ourselves with becoming humility, and deference, and not omit giving them to understand, that we have not lost sight of their rank: when writing to friends, we are be respectful and friendly.

Archbishops are addressed thus, my Lord, or your Grace.

Bishops, my Lord, or your Lordship.

Their sons and daughters, as plain gentlemen, or gentlewomen, Madam, or Mrs.

To Deans, and Archdeacons, we usually say, Mr. Dean, or Mr. Archdeacon; to Military Men, we give in conversation or writing, (if above a Captain in the army, or a Lieutenant in the navy, who ranks as a Captain in the army, their military titles, as General A—, Colonel B—, Major C—, Admiral D—, Commodore E—, Captain F—.

In our  epistles to superiors, if we wish to be thought respectful, the paper on which we write, should be good, and not less than a sheet, the ink black, and the hand-writing intelligible, and without any abbreviations; and this sheet whether sent through the post-office or not, or whether the person write to, be a member of either house of parliament or not; and though the expence of postage be double, it is not to be regarded, if the person you write to be opulent; I say in any of these cases, the sheet you write on, should be enclosed in an envelope or cover, provided, if sent by the post, the enclosed and its cover, do not exceed in weight one ounce, so as to prevent its passing free to a Peer or Member of Parliament, or double postage to any other friend; for to suppose your friend (unless he have a small circumscribed fortune) will grudge double postage, is to suppose him penurious and mean. On the same principle, never think of freeing a post letter, by paying the postage, unless it be to one to whom you are convinced the expence of postage will be inconvenient or disagreeable.

PRECEDENCY, &c

When invited to dinner, make a point of always being there in proper time, not to make the company wait; fifteen minutes at least before the appointed hour, and to prevent mistakes, see that your watch goes right, and make a proper allowance for the time in going. A superior, indeed, will not wait your coming beyond the time; and if you enter after the company be seated, you are a general disturber.

Persons accepting an invitation to dinner from an inferior, are apt to come late and make the company wait, perhaps half an hour, to shew, I presume, their consequence.—This is a piece of insult which they expect to have put up with. It is unpardonable, but if they will do it, there is no alternative, without affronting them, but either submitting to it, or not inviting them.

In paying dinner visits, and where you expect to meet company, your dress should be better than ordinary, by no means in boots; in receiving visits at home, dress is not so necessary.

On your entering the room where the company is, address. yourself first to the lady of the house, by approaching her, bowing respectfully and then retiring. No saluting ladies now, by kissing them, as formerly, unless they be relations or very intimate friends, whom you have not seen for some time and even then not in company with others. Your next address is to the master of the house, and afterwards to the rest to whom you are introduced by a respectful bow to each. Should you be acquainted with any of the company, after your compliments are paid to the mistress and master of the house, to bow and I address the rest, according to their rank, is proper; to the ladies first, and then the gentlemen.

It is necessary, prior to dinner, to look round, and consider the several degrees of rank of the company present that there may be no confusion in walking into the room where the table is served. TheTable of Precedency (page 92) at the end of this volume , will help you out. The ladies of course will go first; and without the trouble of marshalling them, every woman of fashion knows her. own rank, and will walls out first, second, ,or third, according to their rank. Suppose a Duchess, a Countess, and a Viscountess,  be present, the Duchess will take the lead, the Countess will follow, and the Viscountess next, let their ages be what they may. If no woman of quality be present, the married women take the lead, according to age, the oldest first, next the unmarried women.

Gentlemen proceed in the same order; but where the master of ,the house directs; obey as he directs: Custom, though l know not for any good reason, has established that a giddy girl of sixteen, if married, should have a degree of respect superior to a single woman of twice her age; she shall among her equals in rank, walk first into the room, be offered the first place at table, receive the first attentions of the company, be selected out first to dance at a bell, &c.

Under this form of precedency, it is the duty of all gentlemen, particularly married ones, to attend to this mode of conduct; and where the ladies are handed from the drawing room to the saloon, or room where the table is spread for dinner; that gentleman who has the first rank, or the elder man of the company, is first to hand the lady of the house to the dining room, the gentleman next in rank conducts the woman of the highest rank present, following the lady of the house, and so on, the master of the house last, conducting the lady least in rank. Where all are equal, married men and married ladies take the lead, the eldest first and the younger following.

Seats at table are generally thus taken, ladies at the upper end of the table, according to the precedency above mentioned, and gentlemen at the lower; but the master or mistress of the house will sometimes direct it otherwise, and seat the ladies and gentlemen alternately, that is one gentleman and one lady, and so on, for convenience, that the former may serve the latter.

There cannot be a greater mark of ill-breeding, than to interrupt this order, or for a person to seat himself otherwise.

* The mistress of the house always seats herself at the upper end of the table, ladies be present; if not, the master takes the upper end. But on such occasions, whatever part of the table the master or mistress site, that is to be considered as the upper end.—Honours of the Table.

When the men and women are so mixed, it is a mark of good manners to carve and help the ladies, to any dish that may be near you.

Wiping a plate with your napkin is rude, the whole service of the table among the opulent is naturally clean ; if a plate accidentally be otherwise, call to a servant for another.

Drinking of healths during dinner or supper, among the first class of people, is entirely exploded; but if the master of the house set the example, you may follow it.

Call for any wine you please, without waiting to be asked; in some houses, the master announces to his, company, the different sorts of wine on the side-board; in great houses, where this be not done,-all common wines are supposed to be present. At the house of a friend, you are expected to be as much at your ease, as if at home, and of course may freely ask for any wine, you know the master is accustomed to keep, whether it be on the side-board or not, and whether before dinner or after. But this liberty is seldom taken by those, who do not give the same liberty at their own houses

However, I cannot do better than to recommend a young person to read the little tract l have published, called The Honours of the Table, now in its fourth edition, wherein he will see the conduct he should observe, whether visiter or visited; this will teach him at the same time, the whole art of carving, (shewn in a variety of cuts) and how to acquit himself with gracefulness and respect to his company.

If you wish to depart before the rest of the company, never take out your watch to see the hour, as this would seem to remind others of the time; nor take any leave, but what they call a French leave, and which our polite neighbours, the French, have instructed us in, that is, to steal off as unnoticed as possible, for if you chuse to go, it is not necessary that you drag others with you.

* French leave was introduced, that on one person leaving the company, the rest might not be disturbed; looking at your watch, does what that piece politeness was designed to prevent;.it is a kind of dictating to all present, and telling them it is time, or almost time to break up.–Principles of Politeness.

Vales to servants are never given; of course, to offer a servant a piece of money, is an affront to the master; it is as much as to say, that he cannot afford to pay his own attendants.

If cards be introduced, it is not necessary to play, if you dislike it; unless indeed there be not sufficient persons to make up a party without you ; but even in that case, you may be excused, if you be never known to play elsewhere ; at no rate attempt to play at whist, or quadrille, if you do not play tolerably; for though you may be indifferent about losing your own money, you ought not to be so, with respect to that of others, and though your partner may say little, he will think the more. If you do sit down to play, never wrangle, or find the least fault with your partner’s play; it will not mend him, of course it will do no good, and always gives great offence.

*If desired to play at cards, deeper than you would, refuse it ludicrously; tell them if you were sure to lose you might possibly sit down, but, that as fortune may be favourable, you dread the thought of having too much money, ever since you found, what an incumbrance it was to poor Harlequin; and therefore you are determined not to put yourself in a way of winning, more than such and such a sum a day. This light way of declining invitations to vice and folly, is better than a sententious refusal, which would be laughed at: never receive your winnings with elation, or lose your temper with your money.— Principles of Politeness.

If invited to drink at any man’s house, more than you think is wholesome, you may say, “ you wish you could, but so little makes you both drunk and sick, that you should only be bad company by doing it, of course, beg to be excused.”—Principles of Politeness.